Depression Days

When I was 7 I had my tonsils removed and a couple of days later I started haemoraging (no idea how to spell that).  The doctor was called and by the time he arrived at our house I had lost so much blood I had collapsed unconscious.  I was rushed to hospital and given a blood transfusion and without that transfusion I probably wouldn’t be alive today.

I have always wanted to donate blood to give back to someone else that amazing gift that someone gave me.  But there’s a problem…….  I suffer from haemophobia – I faint when I see blood and have done since I was a kid.

In 1996 I had a partial hydaditifor molar pregnancy and a D&C operation that wasn’t done correctly.  As a result I ended up losing a lot of blood and clotting quite a bit and was again taken to hospital.  I had to have another operation and they found I had an infection in my uterus and was lucky they caught it on time.  I was put on IV antibiotics and given a blood plasma transfusion.

A few years ago I had a hysterectomy and following the surgery I had a large bleed.  I could barely walk to the toilet and back without collapsing and that wasn’t very far in a hospital room.  My haemoglobin levels were half what they should be and I was given a blood transfusion.

I have certainly received my share of blood from some amazing people and donating blood is something that I really passionately want to do.  I just want to give back that gift of life that these people selflessly gave to me.

Last night I had an appointment to give blood.  I has taken me over 20 years to build up the courage to actually go and give blood and I was feeling really good about doing it.  I got to the blood donation place, I had to fill out a thousand questions and then had to have an interview with a nurse.  The nurse decided that they would not take my blood because of my blood phobia – they didn’t want to risk me fainting.

I was so unbelievably upset.  I feel so pathetic that I can’t even give blood!

I knew there was a good possibility that I might faint and I was willing to take that risk just so I can give someone a great gift.  Does it really matter so much if I faint when the blood taken could save someone’s life.  Me fainting is a small price to pay to be able to save a life!

As I’m working through many issues in my life and my blood phobia is one of those issues.  There is so much more to me giving blood than just giving blood.  This was a big step for me and one that I’d hoped would be a step toward me working through some of my issues.  It was just so much more than just giving blood.

I feel like such a failure right now.  It seems that everything I do or try to do I fail at.